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| From the Red Hot Valentines at the Lincoln Rec Center, to The Gunga Dins! at The Asylum, to Secretary at the SPEC, to the Rolling Stone at Soldier Field, these are the people you’ll meet at shows. I definitely have. >The overzealous security guard “I work 3 Saturday nights a month and I am a badass. No one can get past me. I did 4 hours of training to keep you from climbing over the barricade and to keep you over there from dancing.” I think my favorite security guard moment was at a Less Than Jake show in McComb. I think it was way oversold and definitely packed. The rush of people kept inching the barricade closer to the stage. The solution was very portly and very confident security guard. We will call him Top Heavy. Between songs, Top Heavy was called in to rectify the creeping barricade situation. He flexed his flabby, loose muscle for everyone. Trust me, do not think about loose muscle too long. Top Heavy then got in position, anchoring himself between the stage and the barricade. I do not know if what happened next was rehearsed or there was a small earthquake or maybe the room was a large seesaw, but at the point, everyone about ten feet from the barricade moved forward setting into motion the chain of events that would seal Top Heavy’s fate. The barricade shifted forward causing Top Heavy to loose his balance. On the way down, his sleeve caught part of the barricade tearing the shirt from his whaled torso and revealing his glorious bologna tits. >The guy with a girl that’s his girlfriend/wants to be his girlfriend/wants to fuck against the barricade Seriously, what deaf couple came to The Number Twelve Looks Like You at the Creepy Crawl to cuddle up against the stage? I do not understand. This guy is here to protect his girlfriend from the hundreds of people behind him. She wanted pictures or she wanted to sing along up front. Both are good intentions for the front row, however, you forgot to take into account that a lot of people like to do those things right in the front. Do not yell at me because I bumped into you. It was not just me, I had help from everyone else behind me. At the Ben Weasel show in Chicago a couple weeks ago, this guy had the sands to bring his girl up from the back and then yell at everyone against the barricade “My girlfriend wants up front.” Do not yell at me for pushing you back. I had help from everyone else who thought you were a self-centered douche. >The old guy I have to admit that I fall into this category…every time I go to Warped Tour. I can feel my age when I go with some younger friends. Bad Religion and Hawthorne Heights might be playing at the same times. I go to Bad Religion alone. I cannot believe that I meet kids who have spent their whole lives in Springfield and never went to The Asylum or saw The Gunga Dins! Hell, for that matter, they probably have not seen IOA, have no idea who Sterotypical is, and missed out on AFI at Viele’s Planet. Maybe I do not have room to talk; I missed ZAO in Lincoln. I was in sixth grade, give me a break. I was too young then, now I feel too old for the pit. I will let the kids have it. >The drunk guy Again, I admit that I have been this guy before. I have to apologize to mewithoutyou for the time I saw you at Pop’s. I felt like I was drinking in church. The drunk guy can come in many forms. There’s the drunk guy who wants to start fights, the drunk guy who just came to get drunk, and the drunk guy that keeps shouting a song the band does not remember to play. The drunk guy could also be the guy that came to have fun. My favorite drunk guy was at the same Less Than Jake show where Top Heavy exposed himself. Drunk Guy kept climbing onto the barricade and when a security guard would come to shoo him away, he would fall to the ground and yell, “You’re here to protect me!”. Seriously, he did that all night and I chuckled a bit every time. Lovingly written by Brandon Judd And there’s more people I’ve met at shows, but I’ll have to save those for another time. I was going to write an article about interviews I did with the other Brandon Judds that I found on the internet, however, only 3 responded. Most Brandon Judds are dicks, but one seems pretty cool and is the drummer for Chico Fellini. Look them up. From 3989 zine. Myspace.com/3989zine | | |
| Several times a year fast food restaurants try to introduce us to new concepts. The chains roll out new sandwiches and gimmicks in an attempt to make the same old burger fresh. McDonald’s wants us to eat chicken for breakfast, Subway explains the difference between heating and toasting, and all I want is a big greasy burger. Burger King has taken this idea and decided, “Fuck health, let’s pile anything we can on a burger.” And I say to this, “Fuck yes!”. I always love having a meal in a single sandwich design.
This isn’t a new concept for Burger King or BK if you’re hip. They’ve been offering up huge sandwiches with even bigger names since the 70’s. You probably don’t remember the Burger King Whaler fish-steak sandwich, or the Bull's-eye Barbecue Burger, and you probably don’t know about the X-tra Long Tocino Queso unless you’ve visited a BK in Chile.
It’s that time of year again and BK has launched the Burger King Loaded Steakhouse Burger.
The BKLSB is made up of the following:
bun, ANGUS STEAK, SEVERAL STRIPS OF BACON, FRIED ONIONS, MASHED POTATOES, bun
Just as I’ve written it, it is indeed two drunk, whitebread college freshmen trying to spoon with a fat chick at the same time, but in your mouth. Try and imagine that because I just saw a commercial for Sun Chips that says you can taste the solar energy in them. I do not know what the fuck solar power tastes like, but it doesn’t give me the desire to buy Sun Chips. I digress.
One afternoon, I decide that my blood pressure is healthy, in fact, the blood has just been flying through my veins lately. Of course, this was after waking up on a friend’s couch in Springfield after a night of PBR flowing through my system, so my health assessment may be slightly skewed.
So I order the BKLSB. I get the whole combo meal with it, it’s a big burger, but it’s new and I don’t want to change the eating model I have in place for BK because I don’t want to give my test of the BKLSB a disadvantage to its burger brethren. Everything was there on the sandwich; bun, ANGUS STEAK, SEVERAL STRIPS OF BACON, FRIED ONIONS, MASHED POTATOES, bun. They even fill the thing with A1 sauce.
So I’ve got my medium Coke, which is actually a bucket of Coke these days and my medium fries, which is also a bucket as compared to the soda and fry sizes of yesteryear when fast food patrons were smaller. First thing, I whet the pallet with some soda (sodie pop if you’re Minnesotan). I take a bit of the massive sandwich, like attacking a whale really, and it’s quite delicious.
Here’s the problem with this sandwich, well, not the sandwich itself. It’s a problem with economics generated by this sandwich. What do economics have to do with a giant burger, you ask? This particular burger includes a helping of fried onions and potatoes. Onion rings and french fries! Both of which are two sides served up by BK. Once I order this sandwich, if I’ve had the experience of the sandwich, I’m not inclined to get fries or onion rings or even the box of fries with one onion ring thrown in to rule them all. I didn’t even finish the soda that came with it. These huge sandwiches aren’t a threat to health, they’re a threat to this nation’s gross domestic product.
Tell me what day I can get the new Burger King Tater-Tot Macaroni and Cheese Southwest Greasebag Burger, and I’ll gladly give you my economic stimulus check and order onion rings with it and probably fries, too, because although tater tots are also potatoes, they are a completely different experience. Until that day, I’ll stick with the Whopper for America.
I write for a zine called 3989 that gets handed out at shows in Springfield, IL. myspace.com/3989zine
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| This is the first update in a year. Take a look at the last update on September 26, 2006. I've seen mewithoutYou again since that show at Pop's. Bouncefest 2007 was pretty good. It was at the SPEC due to rain. I live with my parents in Lincoln again. All those girls moved away. Things did not go well with that other thing. This could be the last Xanga update ever...maybe. | | |
| Updates have been few and far between.
Here's an update:
The new mewithoutYou album is amazing. I saw them a couple weeks ago in a post office.
Bouncefest 2006 was great. Come to the SPEC shows.
I live with 3 girls. I look super manly compared to all of them.
Jolie's great.
I think this may be my last Xanga update ever.
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